Kyk, Ek stuur julle die profeet Elía voordat die groot en vreeslike dag van die HERE aanbreek. En hy sal die hart van die vaders terugbring tot die kinders, en die hart van die kinders tot hulle vaders, sodat Ek nie hoef te kom en die land met die banvloek tref nie. Mal 4:5-6

Hierdie is die heel laaste woorde aan die einde van die Ou Testament. Watter relevante en noodsaaklike woorde is dit nie ook nog vir die tyd waarin ons vandag lewe nie? In beide sekulêre en geestelike kringe word daar al hoe meer gefokus op die invloed wat die afwesigheid van vaders in kinders se lewens het. Die gebrokenheid van die verhoudings tussen vaders en hul kinders, reflekteer die gebrokenheid van die verhouding tussen God en Sý kinders. Jesus het gekom om herstel te bring in die verhoudings tussen aardse vaders en hul kinders en ook God en Sý kinders.

Eerste indrukke

’n Kind se eerste indrukke oor mans, kom van sy vroegste ervaringe met sy vader. Sommige skade is DOELBEWUS deur vaders aan kinders gedoen. Sulke optrede bring onberekenbare skade aan mense in hulle volwasse lewe.

Die meeste van die tyd is die wonde egter a.g.v. die vaders se onkunde oor hul rol en invloed in die gesin en geensins doelbewus daarom gemik om hul kinders te benadeel nie. Hierdie is verál waar van die ouer generasie vaders.

Dit maak nie saak hóé toegewyd ‘n pa is nie, daar bestaan nie iets soos ‘n volmaakte ouer nie en ALMAL maak foute. Die bedoeling is hoegenaamd nie om ouers te veroordeel nie, maar slegs om begrip te vorm vir dié dinge wat ons identiteit en emosies gevorm het. Wanneer God hierdie in ons eie lewens openbaar, kan dit groot deurbrake vir ons geestelike groei bring.

Ons kan nie ons verlede verander nie, maar ons kan genesing en herstel ontvang by Jesus vir dit wat ons ontbeer het, of wat aan ons gedoen is. Genesing en herstel is moontlik.

Verwerping

Elke persoon word hulpeloos, afhanklik en met ’n behoefte aan aanvaarding gebore. Ons behoefte is om behandel te word op ’n manier wat ons waardig sal laat voel en ons het ’n behoefte om geseën te word. Die “vaderwond” is die afwesigheid van liefde, aanvaarding, seën en erkenning van jou biologiese pa (of dié persoon wat jy leer ken het as jou pa).

Verwerping kon reeds tydens swangerskap gebeur het, of enige tyd gedurende die kinderjare. Dit is baie eenvoudig om ’n lewende organisme, soos ’n plant, in twee dae te vernietig. Ons kan dit baie vinnig doen deur dit af te sny of stukkend te slaan. Daar is egter ook ’n ander manier: los dit net alleen. Moenie dit water gee nie. Op beide maniere sal dit sterf. VERWERPING MAAK DOOD!

Vaders het deur die eeue heen al hoe meer wegbeweeg van die gesin af. Hulle het besig geraak met hulle beroepe, jaag na ambisie, sukses en meer geld. Dikwels het hulle geglo hulle doen dit tot die gesin se voordeel. Pa’s het net al hoe meer onbetrokke by hulle gesinne geraak. Die tye wat hul wel tuis is, het hul dikwels nie besef hoe noodsaaklik hul liefde, erkenning en seën vir die gesin is nie.

[Sien onderaan by aanvullende leesstof: James Bryan Smith skryf wat gebeur met ‘n man of vrou wat sonder die liefde en aanvaarding van ‘n vader grootword.]

Vestiging van rolle

Die al hoe kleiner rol wat die vader in die huis gespeel het, het daartoe gelei dat vroue ’n al hoe sterker leidende rol begin speel het. Die emansipasie van die vrou het die mans net nog verder laat terugtrek in hulself, wat weer tot verdere onbetrokkenheid van vaders in die huis gelei het. Vandag het ons ’n samelewing wat heeltemal verward is oor hulle rolle binne en buite die gesin. Die morele verval van die mensdom is die gevolg van die onbetrokkenheid van beide vaders en moeders by hul kinders. 

Baie vroue sal in hul soeke na liefde en erkenning van ‘n pa, seks gebruik as plaasvervanger vir liefde. Dikwels soek die vrou nie ‘n seksuele verhouding nie, maar bloot net die erkenning van haar vrouwees by ander mans. Dit is ’n desperate poging om ’n leemte te vul wat veroorsaak is deur die emosioneel afwesige vader. (Mans wat ‘n “Mother wound” het, doen dieselfde.) Vaders speel ’n uiters belangrike rol in die welstand van die gesin en daarom ook in die welstand van die nasie. Pres. Reagan het gesê: “As goes the family so goes the nation.”

Wat veroorsaak ‘n vaderwond:

• Verwaarlosing – lei daartoe dat kind glo hy is nie belangrik nie.
• Afwesige pa – agv egskeiding, dood, of skeiding van die gesin, of pa’s wat hard werk en baie min tuis is, of onbetrokkenheid van vaders by hul kinders.
• Pa wat baie streng beheer uitoefen (controlling father) – pa is baie dominerend en manipulerend. Soms onredelike dissipline, verwagtinge en straf.
• Mishandeling – geestelik, fisies, verbaal, seksueel.
• Gebrek aan erkenning van die kind – dit lei tot ‘n gebrek aan selfaanvaarding deur die kind en ook selfbeeldprobleme.

Gevolge van ‘n vaderwond:

• Die vaderwond lei tot ’n lae selfbeeld. Die persoon met ‘n vaderwond is geneig tot en ‘n prestasie gedrewe lewe. In alles wat die persoon aanpak, is daar ‘n onnatuurlike behoefte om te presteer. Hierdie persone streef na erkenning en sal hulle self tot die uiterste dryf om erkenning te kry. Dit maak ons “doers” eerder as “beings”.
  • Hierdie persone kan in hul verhouding met God voortdurend voel dat hulle werke moet dóén of probeer presteer om God se guns te verdien.

• ’n Persoon wat nie erkenning van sy pa gekry het nie, kan ook sy lewe lank probeer om ander mense tevrede te stel. So ’n persoon wil niks doen wat ander mense aanstoot gee nie. As ander mense nie van hulle hou nie, of nie hou van wat hulle doen nie, dan ervaar hulle dit as verwerping. Omdat hierdie persoon in sy wese erkenning soek en ten alle koste verwerping vermy, sal hy alles in sy vermoë doen om nie in onguns by ander te kom nie. Die WOORDE van ‘n pa vir ‘n kind het ‘n lewenslange impak op die menswees van elke persoon! So het ook die GEBRÉK aan woorde van aanmoediging en lof ook ‘n lewenslange impak!

• Wanneer ’n persoon sy biologiese pa ervaar as kwaad, geweldadig, nie omgee nie, onbetrokke, op ’n afstand, hom onttrek, afwesig, gesin/kind verwerp, ‘n alkoholis, veroordelend en of baie krities, sal dit die volgende denke by die kind tot gevolg hê:
  • Ek is niks werd
  • Ek is dom/ onnosel
  • Ek is nie bevoeg nie, nie goed genoeg nie
  • Ek is nie liefgehê nie of kan nie liefhê nie
    • Solank iemand hierdie woorde as waarheid oor hulself glo, sal hulle depressief en angstig voel en moontlik met kwade gevoelens leef.

• ’n Persoon se BEELD van God die Vader word ernstig beïnvloed deur sy persoonlike verhouding wat hy as kind met sy biologiese vader gehad het.
  • Tipiese wanpersepsies wat mense oor God kan hê a.g.v. hul verhouding met hul aardse vader, is dat God hul voortdurend dophou, veroordelend is, kwaad is, ongelukkig is as hulle iets verkeerd doen, God vrees en sien Hom net as ‘n dissiplineerder. [Sien die artikel oor die waarheid oor God se Vaderhart vir Sy kinders.]

• In hul verhouding met God, ervaar persone met ‘n vaderwond dikwels:
  • Hulle is nie goed genoeg in God se oë nie.
  • Voel skuldig of skaam voor Hom.
  • Wil harder werk vir Hom om hulself te regverdig, of om Sy erkenning of goedkeuring te kry.

• Die persoon met ‘n vaderwond kan geneig wees om deur perfeksionisme of materialisme hul pyn probeer wegsteek of hulself probeer bewys. Verslawing kan ook ’n manier wees om hul pyn weg te steek.

• Pa se rol in die grootword van dogters:
  • Die aardse vader speel ’n uiters groot rol in die dogter se lewe om by haar ’n begrip van God die Vader te vorm. Sou haar aardse vader vroue minag, of neerhalend praat met haar of haar ma, skep dit by haar ’n wanpersepsie van hoe God as Vader die vrou sien.
  • Die dogter se verhouding met haar pa, vorm haar opinie oor hoe mans is of behoort te wees, hoe hul behoort op te tree en hoe sy behoort te voel in die teenwoordigheid van mans. Dit is veral belangrik dat ’n pa nie van ’n dogter sal onttrek in haar puberteitsjare wanneer sy ’n jong vrou word nie. Die pa se aanvaarding, belangstelling en liefde in hierdie sensitiewe fase van haar lewe, is van baie groot waarde. Die dag toe ons dogter “vrou” geword het, het haar pappa vir haar ‘n geskenk gekoop en hulle twee het alleen gaan uiteet om haar vrouwees te vier! (Al het sy op daardie stadium gesê, ons gesin is só “weird”, besef so ‘n kind nie regtig watter impak dit om haar selfbeeld en selfaanvaarding het nie. 🙂 Doen wat in jou hart is, ongeag of jou kinders dink jy is “weird”. Eendag sal hulle verstaan en dieselfde vir húlle kinders doen!)
  • Sien onderaan hierdie artikel aanhalings van verskillende kenners op hierdie gebied!

• Pa se rol in die grootword van seuns:
  • Die pa speel die heel belangrikste rol in die vorming van die identiteit en karakter van seuns. Oor hierdie onderwerp is daar oneindig baie te skryf.
  • NB! NB! Sien onderaan hierdie artikel baie insiggewende aanhalings van verskillende kenners op hierdie gebied!
  • ’n Seun se verhouding met sy pa vorm sy opinie oor hoe hy veronderstel is om op te tree teenoor vroue en hoe hy hul behoort te behandel. Vandag ervaar mans verwarring om die balans te vind tussen aan die een kant krag hê, maar ook sensitiwiteit hê, om sterk te wees, maar ook emosioneel te wees.
  • Die pa se opinie en tyd saam met sy seun, is die HEEL BELANGRIKSTE aspek van die seun se ontwikkeling as persoon. Wanneer ‘n kind nie ‘n pa figuur in sy lewe het nie, is dit noodsaaklik om ‘n plaasvervanger te vind (vriend of familielid) met wie die kind kan tyd spandeer en na kan opsien as ‘n rolmodel. (Sien John Eldredge se aanhaling onderaan die artikel!)

Bou ‘n nuwe toekoms vir jou nageslag

Niemand van ons het volmaakte ouers gehad nie. Die meeste van ons se ouers het met opregtheid na die beste van hulle vermoë hulle kinders probeer goed grootmaak. Ons leef nou in ‘n era wat daar net soveel meer riglyne en leiding is in die opvoeding van ons kinders as wat ons ouers gehad het. Die insig wat ons verkry rondom die invloed van die pa se rol in ons vorming, verklaar dalk aan ons hoekom ons sekere karaktereienskappe openbaar en miskien dalk sukkel in ons verhouding met die Vader.

Dit is nooit te laat om genesing te kry vir die wond waarmee jy dalk loop nie. Dit sal nie net maak dat jy met nuwe oë kyk na jou rol as ouer nie, maar ook ‘n reuse verskil maak in AL jou verhoudings – huwelik, kinders, vriende, sibbe, kollegas en ook met God. Ons maak almal foute en selfs met al die kennis tot ons beskikking, gaan ons in die toekoms nog steeds foute maak. Ons kan egter begin om ’n groot verskil aan die toekoms te maak en ons kinders iets gee om op te bou!

Deur eerlik te wees oor ons eie wonde, kan ons God toelaat om genesing, wysheid en herstel te bring. Dit sal ons groter insig in onsself gee, in ons karakter en ook in ons swakhede en tekortkominge.

Slegs dan kan ons ten volle liefde en erkenning gee aan die mense wat die belangrikste in ons lewens is – ons huweliksmaats, seuns en dogters.

Slegs dán sal ons grootste behoefte as mens vervul word. Ons sal in ons diepste wese begrip en ervaring hê van God se erkenning en liefde vir ons as Sy kinders.

Jes 66:13  Soos iemand wat deur sy moeder getroos word, so sal Ek julle troos; en julle sal in Jerusalem getroos word.

Ps 27:10  Want my vader en my moeder het my verlaat, maar die HERE sal my aanneem.

Aan almal wat sonder pa’s grootgeword het, of nie die nodige seën, aanvaarding, liefde en erkenning van hul aardse Vaders gekry het nie, beloof God…

Ps 68:5: “In His holy dwelling God is the father of the fatherless” (MKJV).

Onthou: Niemand het volmaakte ouers nie, maar ons het ’n volmaakte Vader wat alle pyn en wonde wil genees. Dit sal ons niks baat om ons ouers te BLY blameer vir die foute van hul verlede nie. Deur in die verlede vasgevang te bly, beroof jy jouself van die vreugde van ‘n gelukkige toekoms. Waak ook daarteen dat die verhouding met jou aardse vader jou beroof van ‘n vreugdevolle verhouding met jou hemelse Vader. Laat Jesus toe om die wonde te genees, vergewe jou ouers, en laat God toe om die volmaakte Vader vir jou te wees.

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Aanvullende leesstof:

Wat kinders nodig het:

In hul boek, The Blessing, beskryf Gary Smalley en John Trent die “blessing” nie as ‘n eenmalige gebeurtenis nie, maar as dit wat elke seun en dogter van hul ouers nodig het terwyl hul opgroei:

1. Meaningful touch; to be hugged consistently and often.
2. A spoken message; to hear the words “I love you” consistently and often.
3. Attaching high value; to know we matter and are worth being loved.
4. Picturing a special future, which is to know that we have potential – unique gifts and capabilities God can use to bless others with later on.
5. An active commitment, meaning we received the first four parts of the blessing on a consistent basis as we grew up. If a child who hears his father say “I love you” once during the first ten years of his life, he’ll buy into the message of rejection from the silence of the nine years and 355 days, not what was said one time.

James Bryan Smith skryf wat gebeur met ‘n man of vrou wat sonder die liefde en aanvaarding van ‘n vader grootword: 

“When a father’s love is withheld, a child will struggle with issues ranging from shyness and insecurity to a profound and crippling shame over his or her very existence.”

“Most guys try to fill the Grand Canyon sized hole in their heart from this “profound and crippling shame over their existence” with money, power or sex. I tried all three. In my early 20’s I discovered I had a knack for sales and marketing; I had no self esteem, (which reveals how my “question” had been answered) so finding something I could do well was like throwing a bone to a  starving street dog. I threw myself into my job full force and charged up the company ladder, getting promoted to assistant sales manager, then National Sales Manager and, by the time I was 25, vice president of sales. The more I succeeded the emptier I felt, so I worked even harder, putting in six and seven day work weeks, and traveling as much as 40 weeks a year. Eventually I’d burn out and crash into wall of depression which would slow me down a little. But, letting off the throttle had the undesired effect of having to feel the inner pain and emptiness I’d been running from inside, so it wouldn’t be long before I kicked it into overdrive again. I spent years on this furious merry go round of work and burnout until God broke me of the idea that I could find love in work.”

Rol van pa vir dogters

Die volgende is ‘n aanhaling uit ‘n artikel The Road to Grace op die webblad www.blazinggrace.org/roadtograce.htm

Father wounds are just as common in women as men, and little girls who were neglected growing up often end up marrying a man who was just like their daddy. In his book Always Daddy’s Girl, H. Norman Wright shares the following about one of his female clients:

           “I was amazed when another client, I’ll call her Karen, described to me the kind of treatment she tolerated from men. She allowed them to mistreat her to the point of cruelty. She wasn’t just a pleaser, she was a victim!”

“I would like to find just one man who would treat me decently,” she said. I seem to be drawn to men who end up mistreating me, but I don’t know why… what is happening to me?”

During the counseling process, Karen’s lack of self-esteem became apparent. She carried deep wounds from the emotional abandonment she experienced as a child. Her parents’ relationship was marked with anger and lack of fulfillment. Karen’s father had little time for her, controlling her with his anger. There was no physical abuse, but plenty of emotional abuse. She felt worthless and insignificant, especially in her father’s eyes.

Karen feels the same way as an adult. She anticipates and expects men to treat her as her father treated her. Karen seems to have an unconscious need to be a victim, which leads her to get involved with men who frighten her and abuse her.”

Rol van pa vir seuns

It is a peculiarly twentieth-century story, and is almost too awful to tell,” writes Frederick Buechner, “about a boy of twelve or thirteen who, in a fit of crazy anger and depression, got hold of a gun somewhere and fired it at his father, who died not right away but soon afterward.

“When the authorities asked the boy why he had done it, he said that it was because he could not stand his father, because his father demanded too much of him, because he hated his father. And then later on, after he had been placed in a house of detention, a guard was walking down the corridor late one night when he heard sounds from the boy’s room, and he stopped to listen. The words he heard the boy sobbing out in the dark were, ‘I want my father, I want my father.’

In sy boek, Wild at Heart, skryf John Eldredge:

“A boy learns who he is and what he’s got from a man, or the company of men. He cannot learn it any other place. He cannot learn it from boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women. The plan from the beginning of time was that his father would lay the foundation for a young boy’s heart and pass on to him that essential knowledge and confidence in his strength. Dad would be the first man in his life, and forever the most important man. Above all, he would answer the question for his son and give him his name. Throughout the history of man given to us in Scripture, it is the father who gives the blessing and thereby names the son.” 

“The question is, the one every boy and man is longing to ask. Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Until a man knows he’s a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not. Most men live their lives haunted by the question, or crippled by the answer they’ve been given. “

Perhaps most delusive of all is how I looked to the opposite sex to try to make me feel loved and to affirm my masculinity. It started with my mother because, being my primary caretaker, she was all I had to look to when I was a child. Next I fell madly in love with my second grade school teacher, looking for love from her. That didn’t work either.

Unfortunately, no mother or any other woman can ever make a boy or a man love himself as a man. An attractive woman might make him feel terrific for a time but she still can’t make him feel loved or that he is a man no matter how attractive she might be. A man may even be intoxicated with passion when he meets a beautiful woman and may want to marry her. If he does, he may be in for a rude awakening. Not because of her but because of him. When his passion subsides he’ll be faced with the pain and reality of his own loneliness and emptiness.

And then to avoid facing his pain, he’ll look to another performance, climb another mountain, or seek another beautiful woman…and another…to prove to himself that he is a man. Or he’ll deaden the pain through alcohol, drugs or addictive behaviors and eventually ruin his health, get cancer, die of a heart attack, never get close to the ones he loves, or ruin those relationships. That is, he’ll keep acting out until he faces why he looks in the wrong places for the love he never received as a child.

Ask a hundred men how many felt close to and affirmed by their father and you will see about three or four hands raised. Herein lies the secret of so much of our relational and emotional distress and the answer to our recovery. The father wound that injured our masculine soul is because we never felt loved by our fathers. And that wound desperately needs to be healed.

Die volgende is ‘n aanhaling uit ‘n artikel The Road to Grace op die webblad www.blazinggrace.org/roadtograce.htm

“The void that’s left by the lack of our father’s love is a set up for a long, hard struggle with sex addiction, workaholism, gluttony or some other false coping mechanism. Smalley and Trent quote Dr. Ross Campbell, a former associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Tennessee College of Medicine, who writes “in all my reading and experience I have never known of one sexually disorientated person who had a warm, loving and affectionate father.”

Neither have I. In our support groups I ask the guys to describe their relationships with their fathers, and I can’t remember one man who said his father told him “I love you” and hugged him on a consistent basis growing up.

Many of us had withdrawn, passive fathers who were there physically but missing in action emotionally. Eldredge writes: “Some fathers give a wound merely by their silence; they are present, yet absent to their sons. The silence is deafening. I remember as a boy wanting my father to die, and feeling immense guilt for having such a desire. I understand now that I wanted someone to validate the wound. My father was gone, but because he was physically still around, he was not gone. So I lived with a wound no one could see or understand. In the case of silent, passive, or absent fathers, the question goes unanswered. “Do I have what it takes? Am I a man, Daddy?” Their silence is the answer: I don’t know… I doubt it… you’ll have to find out for yourself… probably not.”

Brennan Manning tells the following story of a letter he had Rich Mullins write to his father, who was deceased at the time he wrote it.

“Seven months before he died, I guided Rich on a three-day silent retreat at Chateau Vineyard, a resort sixty miles north of Atlanta. He was in a state of emotional turmoil because of unresolved issues with his family of origin, specifically his father. Like Henry Nouwen’s dad, John Mullins loved his son but never told him so. He was truly proud of Rich’s accomplishments, shared his deep affection for him with other members of the family but failed to communicate his feelings to the one person who longed for his love…

During the retreat I asked Rich to write a letter to his deceased father. The next day I asked him to write a letter from his father to him. Rich resided in the chalet next to mine. As he wrote, I heard sobbing and wailing so loud that I started to cry myself. All John Mullins’s pent up affection exploded and came cascading into Rich’s heart like a torrent of truth and love. Soon after, Rich came to my place and read the letter, tears streaming down his face.

Next I asked Rich to write a letter to Abba followed by a letter from Abba to him. I shall never forget our festive dinner on the last night of the retreat. His black eyes shining like onyx and his face creased in a radiant smile, he said simply, “Brennan, I’m free.”

“Resolving the wound left by the man who made the greatest impact in our lives is a critical part in our journey to grace, but it’s not the final stop. Every human being is born with an empty chamber in their heart that can be filled only one way, by one person. This chamber is set at the center core of the heart, and it’s marked that reads “For God alone.” No person, thing, or experience has the ability to touch or fill this part of the heart.

Since the Living God is the only one who can fill an empty heart with life, light, love, joy and peace, it is here in our journey where we turn toward His throne room.”

Vaderwond en homoseksualiteit:

Die vaderwond kan aanleiding gee tot homseksualiteit: John Eldredge skryf: “What’s fascinating to note is that homosexuals are actually more clear on this point (the father wound.) They know what is missing in their hearts is masculine love. The problem is that they’ve sexualized it. Joseph Nicolosi says that homosexuality is an attempt to repair the wound by filling it with masculinity, either the masculine love that was missing or the masculine strength many men feel they do not posses. It too is a vain search, and that is why the overwhelming number of homosexual relationships do not last, why so many gay men move from one man to another, and why so many of them suffer from depression and a host of other addictions. What they need can’t be found there.”

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Lees vervolgens: Invloede op jou lewe – Verwerping